I just wish death weren't so enthusiastic about it

Next month, you're all invited to the dubiously legitimate surprise matrimonial joining of one (1) Tevene Altus and one (1) Orlesian Noblewoman billed as a springtime soirée (so that anyone who wants their character to be there even though they'd rather herd nugs than attend such a wedding can still come)

Naturally, not everyone is as happy as you are about this (...or maybe you are about the same amount of happy). There's a snake at this party that isn't standing at the altar. Let the games begin!

répondez s'il vous plaît!

<b>your name:</b> name! <b>best way to contact you:</b> contact! <b>character:</b> who's coming?<br /> <b>ღ how is your character at detecting suspicious activity?:</b> on a scale from totally oblivious to paranoid and trained for this <b>ღ does your character have someone who wants them dead? asking for a friend:</b> yes/no <b> if yes, how do you feel about someone opportunistically trying to collect?:</b> come at me/not today pls <b> if no, would you like a case of mistaken identity or being targeted as a message?:</b> yes/no<br /> <b>ღ could your character conceivably be considered a legitimate officiant in <i>any</i> way?:</b> yes/no <b> if yes, would they be willing to marry a couple of assholes?:</b> yes/no

Note:
If multiple of you have internet officiant licenses (or real ones???) and want to be responsible for making this perfect insanity official, we'll roll for who gets to suddenly ad lib a ceremony, or you can play rock-paper-scissors about it.